This post isn't a pity party or a cry for help, but an honest and transparent look into my thoughts during my "blogpost hiatus". I've been writing this post for a while, often coming to a dead end because of the silence and pain which I felt. In my last post I spoke of the importance of faith, and since then I have hit a faithless wall.
You see, God has no problem making sure that you "practice what you preach" and will test you just to make sure you understand the weight of the things you say you believe and He made no exception with me.
Journey with me through the punishment of His silence to the breakthrough of His voice..
THOUGHTS IN THE SILENCE
God's voice has gone from an encouraging friend to a silent stranger. He opens doors for you and then shuts them, to torture you. The test feels like an ongoing punishment, He has forgotten me.
I haven't been perfect but I have been faithful. God knows this! So why has He left me! I know its only temporary but why would He do it all. Are my tears not honest enough, does my hearts cry not move you to speak. Have I disobeyed you like Saul, to the point where you leave me to fight each battle alone? What have I done, why are you punishing me?
Solitude is both a blessing and a curse, the hours I spend alone in my thoughts have allowed me to explore more deeply who I am, but they have also built a wall to those trying to enter in. My need to be alone has made me unapproachable and bitter. Fearful of peoples opinions and judgement. In my alone time I analyze each comment and response, allowing the enemy to use it to my demise. I want to break free, but I can't; because I'm weak, and its easier to pretend the pain doesn't exist. So I lock myself away, away from social media, from my family and friends. From the image of perfection and the judgement of falling short. Endless promises that "God is in control" "Great things are going to happen" It sounds wonderful, but where is God? I cant hear Him, He hates me, I have failed Him.
Every door you open, you close. Every time I come up for air, you allow me to drown. I scream out to you and you say nothing. Why are you allowing me to sit here and rot, why are you building me to break. Why have you left me, I need you, God I need you, nothing else can help me.
God what are you trying to teach me?
THE BROKEN SILENCE
and then I heard Him...
"If you don't get up, you're going to die here"
In the height of my self pity I heard Him, I heard Him so clearly, clearer than any word He has ever spoken to me. The words hit my chest and my heart sunk, I knew I was dying here, rotting away, I was my own worst enemy and He knew it. He knew it, which meant He was watching, which meant He was there all along, and for a second I was angry that He never answered but then that anger turned into insight, and He revealed to me His plan..
I started to understand the silence, I started to understand that this wasn't a punishment but a push. A reminder that in order for God to work in me I had to be strong enough to walk when he didn't answer, because that's faith. Trusting the things we can't hear, believing in a man named Jesus that I read about in a book, Standing firm in His promises even when the world wants you to walk away, that's faith! Knowing that His silence wasn't to punish me but to grow me. To let me know that He was there in the silence, in the darkness, in the doubt and the failure. He was there, all along, He never left. There is a God so strong inside of me, that wants me to win and is just waiting for me to get up. He wants me to walk in the silence, even when the direction is vague and the doors are not open. He did not bring me here to die in this place, He brought me here to Get up. So I'm getting up, I don't know where I'm going but I'm getting up.
In Hebrews Chapter 12 the writer speaks on Gods punishment. The punishment we believe is meant to destroy us; but the writer reminds us that we are God's children and like any good parent there are times where they must make us accountable for our actions, that the punishment is our FATHERS way of reminding us of His love. Ever had a parent reprimand you and say "I'm doing this because I love you." well that's God's intent, and that's why I love Him. I'm His daughter, and as His daughter He wants to see the Best me. I'm a daughter of a king, and even when I can't hear Him, He is present.
I thank you Father for the silence, for in the silence I thought I lost You but you were only forcing me to find myself. Thank You.
If you made it this far, thank you.
Thank you for being a part of the journey.